White Silence Remedies

The Miseducation of My Life

2011-12-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place, when they can fly anywhere in the world.

And then I ask myself the same question.

So I’m sitting on facebook having a discussion with a friend of mine on his status and the conversation goes as follows:

His status: Everyone is a holy warrior and outspoken evangelist against sins except the ones that they themselves commit. And we do ALL sin, so none of us are better than the other. Ultimately, I find it much more effective to try to understand where another is coming from and then offer my opinion instead of giving harsh criticisms when I see one who isn't always doing right. We should support and uplift each other to a higher standard instead of casting one another down with 'holy righteousness' that none of us truly live up to.

My response (after some blasé blasé): yepp...Moses had a speech impairment, Noah was a drunk, Solomon was a manwhore, David was an adulterer, rahab was a prostitute, Mary Magdeline was an adultress, Peter DENIED Christ and was a coward, Elijah was severely depressed, the Samaritan woman shacked up with different men....need I say more? Lol

And then it came to me…like an epiphany (no pun intended Chrisette). For the past few months, I have been EXTREMELY unhappy with my life and the course it has taken. I mean, I had a new beginnings…new church, new start at school, making new friends…and I even picked up guitar in 3 months…so why is it that three months later, I find myself extremely unhappy?

Then it hit me…Even in this new course of my life I was still trying to measure myself up to the standards of what I wanted other people to think of me. Why is it that we as human beings want to be validated so often to the point where we change who we are to fit into the likes and expectations of others? And why is it even worse when there's faith and belief involved? We want to be liked and appreciated so bad that we conform. We conform to the ways of those we look up to lest they be disappointed in us. In a nutshell…it all boils down to what we want people to THINK about us. It in turn, transforms us into some dolled-up fallacy we should have never taken to in the first place. That’s what I feel as if I am at this point. A dolled-up fallacy. An extremely unhappy one.

I am a person of faith, and even though I don’t believe in Perfection, I STILL become lost within the obscure walls of the “type” of Christian I should be…if that even makes sense. It has even cost me a few of my passions. Not because of lack of support from those I looked up to, but rather my FEAR of lack of support. In the end, is it worth it? Is it worth their disappointment that I may not be doing the “Christian” thing according to their standards? And if not, why do their standards matter? There is no specific “type” of status that should be held as a person of faith. I am an individual, carefully and uniquely crafted to not be a specific “type” of person. I don’t have to like a certain “type” of music. I don’t have to sing specific “types” of songs whenever I do perform publicly.

I’m tired of trying to be what people think of me or think I "should" be. I want to go back to the me that I want to be. I like my mini skirts and short dresses (Don't get me wrong...I dont look thirsty in what I wear...but then again who says Christians can’t be sexy?). I want to go back to singing my acoustic songs on guitar and not be judged by orthodox just because I don’t feel called (at ALL) to sing in the gospel genre that people are trying to box me into. I love gospel music, and I love the gospel group I sing with, but I don't want to sing it as an independent artist. I want to listen to and APPRECIATE music of EVERY genre and not judge based on whether or not their salvation level measures up to the standards of this rigid unspoken and irrational heirarchy of salvation, that I will never understand considering we ALL fall short. I want to learn from artists including (but not limited to): Benassi Bros, basement jaxx, Kid cudi, Lupe Fiasco, Papa Roach, Avenged Sevenfold, Coldplay, the Noisettes, Rihanna, John Mayer, Chrisette Michele, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Erykah Badu, Julianne Hough, LeAnn Womack, Sara Bareilles, Israel Houghton, Tye Tribbett, Ledisi, Janelle Monae, Richard Smallwood, Hillsongs, Chris Tomlin, and yes even Clay Aiken (Who happens to be one of my favorites). Believing in the ministry, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ does not mean I have to be a product of rigid religiosity. As Ben Tankard put it so eloquently: Its not about “crossing over.” Its about BRINGING the cross over. THAT’S who I want to be. That’s who I am. That’s the type of people God used in ministry. I've never been the type of person who "Preached to the choir." So why is my lifestyle reflecting something that is so NOT LIKE me? God cant use perfect people. So why try to be? I can spread the love of God being the ME that I AM.

To kill a mockingbird, is to silence the song the song that seduces you.

Why? Cause you need that desire in your heart to survive.
And you'll need that burning fire in your soul to know you're still alive...

One particular artist that Greatly inspires me is Lacey Mosley Sturm from the rock band "Flyleaf." I remember when I was in my agnosticism stage, I was apathetic towards God and I had no clue on how I would be inspired to even believe in God again. Flyleaf just happened to be one of the bands I got heavily into during that stage in my life. The more and more I listened to her music, the more and more inspired I became by her. Even though she was secular, I sensed that there was something deeper within her lyrics...something that had a story behind it. So I looked her up on good ol' Wikipedia and could not BELIEVE what I found. Turns out she used to be an outspoken atheist and her music was a testimony to her journey back to faith. Although she did not outright use Jesus in her songs, as soon as I learned her story I realized that there was alot of Christian undertones to her lyrics although it would be invisible to the one who doesnt know her personal story. As I delved deeper, and looked at some of her live performances, I saw that she used her live concerts to give her testimony and inspire others through TELLING her story. This really inspired me to try and search for God once again. Six months Later, I rededicated my life to Christ. Who knew that Christ would use a secular (by Christian standards) artist, to inspire me to search for God again? Who would have thought....God used an outspoken atheist to inspire me to come back to him. This particular song right here outlines my agnosticism journey to the T. Its crazy how she knew EXACTLY how I felt during those moments in my life where I was searching for truth and meaning. A lot of people just didn't GET IT....why I couldn't bring myself to believe in God. But she did. And she NAILED it.

If God didn't want people to be who they are we wouldn't have so many legends. The Stevie Wonders, Ella Fitzgeralds, Duke Ellingtons, Michael Jacksons, Nat King Coles, Luther Vandrosses and Natalie Coles (etc) that inspired so many yet were put down by religious orthodox just because they didn't fit into a certain standard of rigid faith and belief. We wouldn't have the music we have today without them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not rebelling against what I believe in and know to be true. I'm merely embracing who I feel I am within the deepest parts of my soul. And I am going to take THAT, and make something beautiful. Something worth taking a listen to. Something worth delving deeper into. I'm going to make a difference in someone's life. I'm going to share my story with others to INSPIRE not CONVERT...and who knows? It may just happen to lead a few people to the one who instilled this gift within me. But I will not be boxed in while doing it.

A friend of mine gave me some advice not too long ago as a musician and she made a lot of sense in what she said. In a nutshell she told me to just be MYSELF, and not what I think others would want me to be. I feel I am FINALLY ready to take that advice. Shout out to that girl (who tends to lay at her father's feet alot). She knows who she is. ;-D

Just for Kicks...
I think this song is Pretty Awesome...and addicting.

Mommy's Progress...

2011-08-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

So I went and visited my mom in the hospital today...it was kind of odd because when I first walked in there I noticed a glow on her face that I have honestly never seen. And she was very peaceful. She didn't say much to me the whole time I went to visit her, but what she did say made a lasting impression on me. It was quite strange because it was like she was prophesying on me....well they do say that gifts are inherited...and they came out of nowhere...like there was no way she could have known how I was feeling or thinking at the time. She kept talking about a new beginning. I am so happy she has left her old life behind to embrace a new one.

For those of you who do not know, she suffered a stroke last week and was hospitalized for a few days. They let her go for the weekend but she had surgery on Wednesday for a mass that they found on the left side of her head. They had to remove it and also give her radiation treatments for lesions found on the brain. There is a little damage in speech, but its not severe.

This surgery to me also represents a spiritual transformation within her. The mass that was near her brain that they had to take out confused the doctors being that they didn't know what it was or where it even came from. But after they removed it it was as if a big load was taken off of her and I could even tell the difference in her face. She is ready to walk into her gifts and start operating in them. I must say I am so proud of her as her daughter...

The Quitting Game

2011-08-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

Its the easiest thing to do right now.

I feel disillusioned from all my friends, most of my family as well as most of my church family. In a sense, I feel disillusioned from myself.

Ok, maybe this emotional catharsis may have ALOT to do with the fact that I am currently on my period (transparency, right?)...HOWEVER, I have been feeling this way for a while now. I know that it is a brutal fact of life that there is noone on this earth who will ever understand me to the T, but it would be nice, for once, to NOT be misunderstood. It would be refreshing for everyone not to hate me and beat me up for my shortcomings.

The quitting door seems so enticing at this point. Its so easy to abandon this life and start a new one. Leave everything I've worked so hard for behind. I guess I rebelled for that very reason...eventually you get tired of having to live the life you're living. It gets old. Always trying to please others. Always trying to keep yourself at a standard others hold you to. There are people who have tried to talk me through this...but nevertheless, they STILL don't get it.

In church for instance, it is difficult for me to talk to other women in leadership position, not only because it is WAAAY out of my comfort zone, but the main reason being they just don't get me. Their advice goes into one ear and out the other, and I stop listening to what they have to say because they haven't walked a mile in my shoes. I can't talk to my pastor because he just doesn't get me either. Its quite challenging to belong to a church whose leaders just don't get you...and possibly never will. Its funny how they recognize this and stopped trying to understand me, and instead asked me to be an ally with them even if my off-the-wall ways fly right past them. And for some reason I cannot be satisfied with that. Yet at the same time, I don't want them to understand me in the first place.

God help me.

I feel like I am at a breaking point in which I really don't know if I can take anymore. Anymore of the misunderstandings, any more of the animosity and strongholds, anymore of the weights...any more of EVERYTHING thats going on. Truth be told, I don't ever want to go back and show my face. I do not want to face any of those people ever again. I seriously want to give up.

But I can't. I'm willing to quit at this point, but I know I wont. Main reason being that its TOO easy at this point. I found another church home and family that I absolutely ADORE, I know I can grow spiritually there, my best friend attends the same church and not to mention the Praise and Worship is BEYOND awesome. Oh yeah...that is TOO easy of a trap to walk in. My heart is drawing me to this church but I choose to follow my head on this one. Logically speaking, if I dont conquer this gigantic stumbling block at the church I am at currently I will never learn how to conquer the same one at ANY church I go to. I don't want to leave on a bad note...or leave because I found something better. I want to leave because God is leading me to do better things. As enticing as this grass may seem on the other side...I know that the grass is already green where I currently am, in spite of how brown it seems to my clouded vision. If its worth having, then its worth working for...I didn't work for the greener grass on the other side. I worked too hard for the brown grass I am currently standing on. The only thing I can do from this point on is water it...in spite of the fact that I do NOT have a green thumb. Thankfully, God does...

Beautiful Mistakes

2011-07-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things that worry me about myself is my inability to give room to myself to make mistakes. Its funny how God allows you to be in a position to where you are counseling people on mistakes and preaching that no mistake is bigger than the other, but when you are placed in the predicament of making a mistake that you may consider something major, it becomes hard to step back into the mindset of forgiving yourself.

Whats even worse, it may be a mistake that you yourself never dreamed you make, being that you were an individual who was blessed with the ability to counsel other people who may be struggling with those certain mistakes...

I never considered myself the type to be "holier than thou," or "overly spiritual" about people and when they make mistakes. I have been able to discern whether it was a simple mishap, or when it became a constant struggle that will take a little more than a simple "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again." It becomes a struggle when the mistake is constantly made in spite of your knowledge of how wrong it is.

Even though I can discern between the two, sometimes even I have to be knocked down a peg or two when it comes to my outlook on the mistakes people may make. God allowed this to happen to me this past week when I was given a little taste of experience. By doing what i did, I was able to experience a small dosage of the complexity of the same mistakes people tend to struggle with. Kinda like taking a small shot of patron when there are others who struggle with chugging down the whole bottle.

I'll say one thing though, although I thank God for the learning experience, I must say that I prefer not to take anymore shots of that bottle of mistakes...I'm beating myself up enough, and I know that this is only a stumbling block that is trying to distract me from reaching my full potential...but the hardest part is coming to terms to the fact that you allowed the distraction in...even if only for a split second...If you let it, it has the power to suck the life out of you, making you think it will full fill you, but in the end leaving you empty and wondering why the hell you even allowed yourself to fall into that distraction...especially when it is not of your character...AT ALL.

I'll say this one thing though, acting out of your character can be quite the humbling experience. Its a friendly reminder that you, yourself, will stumble at times and its also a reminder that you are not exempt from a certain category of mistakes. Its a reminder that I am human...

...and my mistakes are what makes me beautiful as a human being. Remember, you will never learn anything if you don't make any mistakes in life. I find it ironic and paradoxical how the ugly things we do, make up the true beauty of who we are...but thats the thing about God's mercy...it cannot be boxed in. I know what I must do now at this realization. Forgive myself, and move on. Forgiveness of self, is indeed a journey in itself, but I am willing to make the first step and own up to what I did. I made a big mistake, and I repent and apologize for it. I pray that it will never happen again, and I consider it a learning experience so that I can finally move on. Not only that, but to lighten up a bit and stop being so hard on myself. Give myself room to make mistakes and to not cast stones on myself when they are major and completely out of my character. This doesn't mean that I go out and WILLINGLY make mistakes...but to realize that I am 100% human and mistakes are inevitable, and I am not exempt.

Stepping on Glass...

2011-05-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was running from my car, I accidentally stepped on something (probably a sharp piece of glass) on the heel of my foot. I knew that when I was running, my foot was unprotected and unguarded and that the street was a dangerous place to run on with an exposed foot but I decided to be in a rush anyways and not be careful on the foundation on which I was stepping. Well needless to say, when I stepped on Who-but-God-knew-what, I felt a sudden burst of energy coming from the bottom of my foot. There was no initial pain, but I knew what was coming.

I got in my friends car, and informed him of what happened and asked if he had any tissue. I looked all over his car, and in his glove compartment but there was nothing. As we were looking, that’s when the blood started to come...and it came fast. So we looked and looked with no avail. But after a small silly prayer, we looked again, and sure enough it was like one small piece of tissue appeared out of thin air. As I was cleaning up the mess from the wound, it was like the blood wouldn't stop. That wound cut deep, possibly into other places and it was like the bleeding wouldn't stop. So I just kept cleaning off the wound with what was left of my poor little tissue until the bleeding subsided. But even after the bleeding subsided the the burn stung so badly..thats when it hit me:

God was teaching me a lesson about my heart.

Oftentimes, with our heart unguarded, or not properly guarded in my case (I was wearing flip flops but I should have been wearing sneakers) we tend to experiment on territory we are aware could leave us scarred or wounded, but it still doesn't register within us until it gets to that point where its too late. We have encountered a situation that cuts us deeply. We may not have seen coming, but by treading on that territory unguarded, we opened up the door for that situation to happen. It is too late, and we are left with scarring and bleeding beyond our control.

Confused, we search God for healing. Like he provided that itty bitty piece of tissue, He provides the resources (whether it be through music, books, scriptures, counseling, etc.) to help us clean up the mess we got ourselves in. Oftentimes in this process we become confused, angered, bitter, or frustrated because we tend to think this is the healing process. We want to be healed as soon as the mess is cleaned up. But we are soon to learn that after the mess is cleaned up, that’s when the burn escalates. Frustrated, we tend to do even more thinking that our own efforts is what is going to heal us. But this was not God's intention.

God aids us in the cleaning up process, however, the actual HEALING process is HIS job...and HIS job alone. The two are not one and the same. One requires our efforts, and the latter requires God's efforts alone.

We are sensible enough to know that we cannot interfere with the healing process of our physical bodies, yet as human beings, we tend to think we have to interfere with the healing process with our own hearts. Think about it, after that wound cutting deep into my foot, would it really make sense for me to tamper with the wound trying to fix it myself? Would it be smart of me to allow someone else who is unqualified try to heal my wounds? NO IT WOULD MAKE IT WORSE!!!!! Or would it make more sense to allow God's order of biology take its course and heal the wound for me, restoring the heel of my foot to the way God intended it to be? So why do we tamper with the wounds in our hearts making it even worse? When we allow God to tamper with our wounds, without our own efforts, he is able to restore every tissue, and whatever else is in there to the way HE wants it...and he ends up restoring us and making us even better than we were before. And we will realize as each day comes, the scar hurts a little less and the pain is not as deep as it was before.

I'll tell you one thing...no more flip flops for me when I am treading on dangerous territory.

Removing the Kinks in my mind...

2010-10-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

...another bird has flown. Another part of me is gone. But I can't say that its a bad thing. It doesn't necessarily FEEL good at the moment, yet I am at peace with my circumstances considering it was a learning experience nonetheless...

Today I was talking to my roommate and she shared with me how she wants a "practice" boyfriend. Meaning, she wants to experience a relationship with someone who she knows may not be her husband in the future...in a sense, learning how to be a wife with someone she will not be a wife to. I find that interesting that she said that. I hope she does not mean this being that at the moment I myself am experiencing the repercussions of her wish, yet it took her saying that for me to realize that this is exactly what happened to me this year. Its not necessarily something I would have wanted to go through considering the effects and aftermath of ending the relationship, yet I must say I am better because of it.

I am a huge fan of Romans 8:28. All things work together for the good of them who love the lord, who are called according to his purpose. I repeat that at least a couple of times a day....and especially have to remind myself when situations go awry and life just deals me a bad hand.

I dont necessarily like to share relationship experiences...only because I'm just not the talking type when it comes to sharing things like that...but this experience was very distinctive in a sense that it was the first time I really dedicated a relationship to God and completely gave everything I could. I feel that when it comes to a Godly relationship, you have to give yourself wholeheartedly...as brandy once put it: almost doesn't count. You can't love someone one foot outside the door. When Jesus gave himself for us he gave ALL of him...and because the bible says Husbands should love their wives as Christ had loved the church, it only makes sense to give all of yourself to another person...now I'll admit that it is a gamble...and obviously I didn't triumph in this round, but I do not regret it nonetheless. Even as I find a way to praise my way through the pain I cant help but look back and see how much I've grown when it comes to relationships. The fact that I could empty myself of myself and practice complete, unconditional, selfless giving and expect nothing in return is amazing in and of itself. I went from a bad mouthing, controlling, clingy, emotional, disrespectful, ungodly mell of a hess to someone I do not even recognize. Now Love, really is the motive behind ALL I do. And I know that love is not authentic until you empty yourself of yourself and realize its not about you or what you can get out of it.

I can be mature and transparent enough to say that this still hurts and puts me at a vulnerable state. Not necessarily because I can't be with HIM per se...(in all honesty, I am ready to move forward myself and I do not feel as of right now that he is the one God has for me)...but because of all the time, energy, fasting, and praying I put into that relationship only to end up disappointed in the end...and hurt. And i'm not ashamed to say "ouch, it hurts" when it does...As of right now, I need time to really heal from this disappointment so that I will not be bringing any extra baggage into my next relationship. I would have to say that I am glad my heart was spared before I could REALLY get hurt from it...I have never been in love before...and I requested that my first love be with the man I am supposed to marry. I just know I need to learn how to let a man earn my heart before I do choose to give wholly and unrestrained. Perhaps I did give myself too soon in the relationship...but I am thankful to know that I am capable of loving so that one day i will be an amazing gift to someone who is willing to receive. The fact that I put God first in this relationship really taught me how far I've come...instead of being clingy, I fasted from him and sought God more. Instead of arguing, I held my tongue and allowed God to work it out before I spoke a word. Instead of insulting, I affirmed and only spoke life and positivity in his life. And instead of receiving, I gave. Instead of trusting myself, I trusted Jesus. When we split up, instead of becoming angry, I thanked God for the experience. Instead of holding on, I let go. Instead of regrets, I examined myself and how I could become better, not only as a companion, but as a person in general. I've never done that before in a relationship. Although this was one road that ended, I must say I enjoyed the ride. Every song ends, but thats no excuse to not enjoy the music. This is not the girl I use to look at in the mirror who only looked out for herself and what she could get out of people...I never recognized the point in time where I transitioned from girl to woman...but i can see the change evident in me as the days go by.

I stop short of blaming him for our splitting because of Romans 8:28 being embedded within me...and that perhaps there were still some ugly things within me God had to remove...and this experience was just what I needed to remove those kinks within me. I need to learn how to not suck in relationships. I didn't ask God for a practice relationship, but I must say I am thankful for it. This hurt is only short term, and it only prepared me for what is to come. Short term hurt for the sake of long term happiness makes the journey all the more worth it. I will never be perfect, and I pray for a man who one day realizes this...because I see now that alot of men lose interest in a woman when a couple of months go by and they realize that she is not perfect after all. Some couples tend to forget that initial feelings eventually need to be replaced by something more substantial so that the relationship can become long term. It needs more God. it needs more WORK. It needs Love.

I sure hope my roomate knows what she is getting herself into when she asks for this...theres nothing like the excitement and joy of mutual attraction and initial feelings in a relationship...but when they are put to a sudden halt, and you are left with nothing but memories, it can be a bittersweet feeling within the heart that is not joyful at the moment. Its like sparking like thin white paper wrapped tight around some cigarette...leaving nothing behind but the smell of smoke, and the bitter taste of regret....

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul...
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t mean security...
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises...
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open, with the grace of a man or woman…
not the grief of a child, and learn to build all your roads on to-day because
tomorrow’s ground in too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
You plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers…
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong and you really do have worth..
And you learn… and you learn...
With every goodbye…You learn...

Random Thoughts

2010-05-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to get back on this blogging tip so I just thought I would spill out some random thoughts for anyone who cared to know more about me. My aim is to be more of an open book. I would like God to expose me more as a person, and one way that can happen is for me to keep posting random moments of emotional catharsis...

I feel like a much more positive person nowadays. I can't really explain it but I wake up in the morning with so much joy I feel like sharing it with everyone. I remember a time when I use to wake up every morning with a heaviness on my heart that I couldn't really explain. But now that I have learned to keep myself serene and accept what I cannot change, I am much more at peace. There is power in the phrase "This, too, shall pass." Why worry or fear over something temporary? The secret to Life, is letting go. The Secret to winning a battle, is losing gracefully. Think about it. And make everyday beautiful.

I am really not the type to get attached to men right away, in the sense that I get "feelings" and I am now seeing how this is very beneficial. I haven't had a boyfriend or been in an actual relationship in 5 years. I remember asking God to keep me throughout college and now I can truly attest to the fact that God WILL keep you if you ask him to. Statistics suggest everything about me that I should be doing but I am not doing. Statistics say that I should be an alcoholic, being that my mom use to be. Statistics say I should be illiterate. Statistics say I should have never made it past the 9th or 10th grade and here I am about to get my bachelors. Statistics say that I should have 2 or 3 kids by now. Statistics say that because I never had a male role model in my house hold, that I should be out trying to seek fulfillment and attention from men. But somehow I don't feel the need to seek approval from any type of male. No matter what the statistics say, God can, and truly will fill that void if you let Him.

Its starting to seem as if Life is not defined, unless we are in a relationship. Why do people put so much stress in the desire to be in a relationship? I feel that more and more people (more female than males) are putting off enjoying life because they want to know who they will end up with. I understand that males kinda do have it easier. Women outnumber them (19 to 1 I think?) so men pretty much have it made on choosing who they want to be with. But sheesh, the way women worry sickens me. Life is more than someone else "completing" you. Not saying that it wouldn't be nice for me to one day have someone I can share my life with, but why should I worry right now over someone who is not here? The more I meditate on that, the less time I have to enjoy my life being single. Why not be thankful for the moments you have right NOW? Let the future be in the future. If God wanted you to be in a relationship right now, you'd BE in one, not worrying about whether you will or wont. I see how so many girls these days jump from male to male trying to fill some type of void. Even the most innocent ones who dont sleep around tend to hunger for that feeling of dominance and masculinity. Sometimes I think I'm weird because I never feel the need to. I'm not, in ANY WAY, attracted to females, so I know its not that I dont like men....but should I really waste my time on constantly hoping to be in a relationship or hoping I can one day have a husband and a family and then chasing after men in fear that it wont happen for me if I don't? I do tend to be friendly towards men...and alot tend to take my friendliness the wrong way...but I just can't imagine myself ever sitting around not enjoying being single. Because even if that whole "relationship" thing does happen for me in the future, I dont want to say that I spent my whole time being single in anticipation.

So here I am listening to Juanita Bynum's "You are Great." Anyone who knows my taste in music, KNOWS that I can't STAND Juanita Bynum's screeching (or singing for those of you who actually like her) in her songs...but this song really touched me for some reason. The first time I heard this song, I was visiting a church in San Antonio. A girl was singing it and she had one of the most beautiful voices I had ever heard...the problem was, she was deeply religious and so was the church she was in. I'll never forget the look she gave me when she saw me walk up to the offering plate with a pair of jeans on....around this time, I was starting to be turned off by the church and religion in general. But now as I am listening to this song, I can't help but marinate on how Great God really is. For him to save someone like me, is truly, a miracle. Noone but GOD can cause someone who use to argue OUTSPOKENLY against his existence (I won a few debates in my day...although I am not too proud of it now), to believe in Him so wholeheartedly.

Hmmm...what else?

I love India Arie

I have a "thing" for dreadheads.....although anyone God sends along my way is fine with me lol....hehehehe ;-}

I think salads are amazing.

I want to become a vegetarian.

I dont want no scrub, a scrub is a guy who cant get no love from me, hangin out....o wait.

Gospel music is amazing.

I love my hair.

I secretly want to--------ummm....nvm.

I'm scared of the dark.

I'm 22 and I look like a kid. And I LOVE it.

Ok thats it for now.

Dear Tyra Banks: Your Good Hair Episode

2009-06-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, I would like to thank you for bring the whole issue of "relaxed" versus "natural" into the limelight. The problem, however, was that you only scratched the surface of the problem. You did not get to the root of the problem...you merely addressed it. And I will let you in on a few reasons why this show was not well-received within the nappy community, despite the fact that you are pro-nappy yourself.

1) You misrepresented us nappies.
The relaxed women on that show FAR outweighed the nappy guests you chose to come on the show. First of all, your little "panel" was a joke and a mockery within itself. While I am glad the lady who was contemplating going back to her natural roots ended up doing so in the end, this little "panel" of relaxer-wears and only one nappy chick was not designed specifically to give her constuction and viable information. This was designed for ratings. You stated that your "panel" had "varying opinions on natural hair" when in reality, only ONE was pro-nappy. Only ONE was educated on the dangers of relaxers, and only ONE had a differing opinion to natural hair from Miss White Girl Flow and her friend. Nether White Girl Flow and Miss Eurocentric had differing views on natural hair. The only person in the panel that was pro-nappy, was a nappy herself and was educated on relaxers and the versatility of natural hair. You misrepresented her because you did NOT even bother to introduce her, she did not have much airtime to educate on natural hair, and you did not even give her a chance to explain her views on natural hair. You should have also cast a "loose nappy" on that panel as well to show off the versatility of natural hair. While I am super grateful that she represented for all of us, not all nappies choose to loc their hair. It only showcases your ignorance when it comes to natural hair. And if not ignorant, then you must really not be that educated.

Let me interrupt this letter for a commercial break:
Dear Miss "White Girl Flow":
since when in the WORLD did "white girl flow" equate to "good hair"? First of all, Your hair, in its NATURAL un-chemical-fire-treated state, would NOT have this quote on quote "white girl flow." What in the world is that supposed to MEAN anyways. Your hair is dull, limp and lifeless and there is not much you can do with those bone straight tresses. Your hair was FRIED straight to acheive this rediculous "white girl flow," which, by the way is not considered "good quality hair." You look the same as everyone else and your comments only make you look ignorant and uneducated on hair.

Ok back to the original letter to Tyra.

If you do a show like this in the future, you need to have equal representation of EDUCATED naturals and relaxed chicks who are indifferent and educated on both sides of the issue, rather than extreme. All I could do was shake my head at what you did merely for ratings. It was sad and disgusting. You did not educate, you only caused more controversy and everyone still left with their own opinions rather than having a more insightful view of natural hair. You may be pro-nappy, but you did not represent us well.

2) You are uneducated on natural hair and relaxers.
When you addressed the lady who relaxed her 3-year-old's hair, you made a statement such as "Well, I don't know about relaxing a 3-year-old's hair...to me thats a little too young..." TOO YOUNG???!!!! NOONE at ANY age is "old enough" for a relaxer. And you "don't know???" You NEED to know!!!! THIS WOMAN WAS FRYING HER DAUGHTER'S HAIR STRAIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS SEEN AS "UGLY". HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT THIS WOMAN WAS DAMAGING HER CHILD'S SELF ESTEEM BY TELLING HER DAUGHTER THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE WAY SHE WAS CREATED??? HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT??? HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THE PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL INTOXICATIONS THAT RELAXING DOES TO A CHILD!!!??? You FAILED to mention the dangerous ingredients such as Calcium/Sodium Hydroxide that seeps through the scalp and runs through the bloodstream. You FAILED to mention that the ingredients are HIGHLY toxic. You FAILED to showcase the versatility of natural hair through pics and vids of natural hair...especially of models who keep their hair nappy. You FAILED to mention the history behind relaxers and where they came from. You FAILED to mention the classical conditioning we have had as black women as far as relaxing our hair is concerned. You FAILED to give constructive information on transitioning. You FAILED to give viable information on the benefits of going natural. With all the resources you have, and could have utilized....You FAILED. You failed the nappy community. All in all, this show was an EPIC FAIL.

3) You hide your hair.
Ok, so while those cornrows were looking pretty clean and hooked up, I don't see what cornrows had to do with natural hair. I wore cornrows when I was relaxed just as I wear them with natural hair. White people can wear cornrows. So can hispanics. So can ANYONE no matter what the texture of their hair is. Seriously....cornrows? Wearing cornrows, did not represent anything as far as naturalness is concerned...it only proved vain being that you went right back to your weaves when the show is done. I have nothing against those weaves by the way....they are actually on point. But when are you going to let your natural tresses shine? Do not try to come off as some type of "expert" when a) you are uneducated on natural hair and b) you hide behind your natural tresses as well. I have only seen you with straight hair and weaves....maybe an afro wig here and there...but what about your REAL hair? This show was an oxymoron within itself being that you were trying to come off as a know-it-all and yet you know nothing. You don't know why us nappies went natural. You do not know the psychological healing and acceptance within us that took place after embracing what God gave us. You do not know....and maybe you do not want to.

So in conclusion, I give this episode a 2 out of five stars. You addressed the issues, but you yourself have got it all wrong. Before you try to "untangle the roots" of another nappy issue....GET EDUCATED.

One Step Closer

2009-05-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

I had a photoshoot scheduled for today, but unfortunately, it was canceled due to severe weather. I have noticed lately it has been raining every time I had something important to do. I am trying to get signed with a local modeling agency and so far, things have been going fairly well. I am praying that this interview works out. The only acting experience I have had in the past was that of school and coursework (although my latest instructer WAS a professional actor). I am a little disappointed that it was postponed, but also grateful at the same time that I get to practice my facial expressions for next week's shoot. I've been watching Tyra alot and I almost got this "smiling with the eyes" thing downpacked....YAY MEEE!!! I have also been wondering what to do with my hair. My hair is natural, so I really need to find something that will make my features POP. So in this case, bone-straight flat and fried hair is OUT of the question.

The Bitter Truth

2009-05-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am starting to realize that sometimes hiding the truth and burying it deep within can be more convenient than spilling everything out. I use to always feel that being open about how I feel would be beneficial, but sometimes it can yeild bittersweet results. I am not sure where I am going with this, but I have never been the type to conceal my feelings for noone. If I felt a certain way towards another person, I would not hesitate to tell that person. But lately its as if I have been scared of telling the whole truth in fear of what would become of it. And whats even worse is the fact that I am concealing hidden truths from people in whom I have entrusted in and can tell basically ANYTHING to. What exactly do you call it, when your closest comrades that you tell EVERYTHING to, are the very ones you have to hide the truth from? Why do I have to be so scared? When I conceal the truth it eats me up inside...very badly. And yet when i finally get it out things happen to where I regret saying anything in the first place. I cannot help the way I feel. And I am starting to wonder what hurts the most....not saying anything, or saying something and later regretting it. It very confusing to me.

Mama Knows Best

2009-05-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Well, since I consider this blog a diary (although a public one), I guess I can purge out every emotion right here. As of right now, I feel somewhat torn. When one gives you advice on a particular matter, that person is supposed to have been in your shoes and must know alot about the subject he or she is advising you on. But what happens if that advisor is following their own advice, and yet they are not receiving the results that are supposed to occur when they are doing the exact same thing they are telling you to do? And what if their advice is the RIGHT advice?

My mom has been a single parent for years. She has not been married since I was born. She has had relationships, per se, but she has not been in a stable marriage and has since raised my sisters and I on her own. That doesn't mean she didn't know anything about relationships, however. From childhood until adulthood, she schooled us on how to be a good WIFE (note, WIFE, NOT nobody’s baby-mama, girlfriend, or shack-mate). She may not have been married, but she is a very classy woman who KNOWS how to keep a man. The problem is, she never found a good one. But that didn’t stop her from teaching me and my sister her words of wisdom. She always taught us that the same way you get a man is the same way you gonna keep him, and vice versa. Meaning if you court a mate and you are dressed from head to toe every single day, then that man is going to EXPECT you to be dressed up from head to toe while you are with him. If you cater to a man at the beginning of a relationship, then he is going to expect that same catering if the relationship goes long term. The same goes with a man. If in the beginning of that relationship, this man has nothing going for him, then chances are (and this is not the case 100% of the time) that he is not going to have much going for him later on in the relationship. The list goes on and on but I think you get the picture. She even told us about the bedroom. Yes, my mother didn’t sugarcoat NOTHING and she has yet to sugarcoat anything when it comes to marriage. This is a woman who taught me and my sisters SEX education, meaning, we were educated not only on the birds and the bees, but we knew about SEX. I can still hear her saying “It feels GOOOOOOOOOOOOD” and my poor little virgin self covering my ears out of pure disgust. Don’t worry guys, I was “at that stage” in my life when I thought I was ready to be a grownup. I was old enough for consent, to say the least….lets just say that by the end of that little “talk” I decided that the whole sex thing wasn’t for me….but I digress. One of the most important lessons she taught me about sex dealt with marriage. She stressed constantly to me and my sisters that a woman should never use whats between her legs as bait for a man, especially in a marriage. This never means that we should have sex against our will, for that is considered rape, but rather satisfying your husband’s physical needs if need be. I know I becoming a little taboo here, so I’ll just leave it at that.

I always took my mother’s advice to heart, being that “mama knows best,” and her experiences shape who she is today. But lately I have been watching her give her all into a relationship in which she is receiving very little in return. What worries me most about this situation is the fact that I know she’s tired of loneliness and wants the security of marriage right now. I am torn because this particular individual is someone who may not be her type, and yet her loneliness is speaking louder than her wisdom, telling her to settle for less than what she is worth. It is not my relationship, so I do not voice my opinion to her, however, it is really hard to see her go through something like that. She dresses up everyday for this man, caters to him, tries to be romantic, and yet receives nothing in return. She is following the same advice given unto me and yet the end result is someone who is probably not even worth a second look. I am shocked that she even stayed this long in this particular relationship. Basically, he is not what she envisions in a man. She has high hopes and rightfully so. Yet, why is she compromising her loneliness? I don’t feel she should settle.

I think it may be the type of men she attract. The “good” ones tend to be scarce around these parts, and probably would not give her a second look, and yet the no-good ones tend to hover all over her. I don’t understand it. Maybe because the same goes with me. I never settle for less than what I feel I am worth. But the type of men I attract is mind-boggling. Maybe it’s the area I live in but sheesh. I’ve never even been on a date before…and I’M 21!!! BOO to all you wanna be thugs and players I settled for in my immature teenage years. BOO!! But maybe it was meant to be so that one day, I’ll know what its NOT like to have to settle for someone who makes you feel lower than cow dung. So I see my mom doing everything the perfect wife/girlfriend does and I know I take after her when it comes to that. I mean, who doesn’t want to cater to their man? But what am I supposed to think when She, as well as I, have been following her advice for years, and yet never receive anything worthwhile in return? Don’t get me wrong, I do not have low self esteem (not sure if I can say the same about my mother). I consider myself a very attractive woman, physically and non-physically. But there may be something about me that is not attractive as far as a relationship is concerned. Not that I am wanting one at the moment, but a girl can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t been in one since high school…it gets a little lonely out here ya know? And no matter how much I may give unto a person, they are just not drawn to me. I guess that is where my main confusion lies. I feel that my mom's advice is the RIGHT advice....so what is so wrong? Are my standards too high? Or better yet, Is there such a thing as being made of men repellent? Sometimes, its like the ones who settle seem so happy... This is something that has been going through my mind alot...

I promise the next blog will be less...depressing haha....I just read this blog in its entirety, since I like to do that when I am venting. It allows me to find out more about myself that I might have not realized prior to writing this. And from rereading it, I am starting to wonder if I have given up on relationships and men in general. I know it sounds cliche, but I have nothing nice or positive to say regarding relationships. I am aware that I am young and have my whole life ahead of me, but I am starting to REALLY wonder. Watching my mom's single life throughout my whole childhood really places some legitimate doubts in my head. O well, you can't have the best of both worlds...or any, for that matter...hmmm...I still do have that bottle of Manischewitz my mom bought me on my birthday that I haven't touched...and there is that Toni Braxton cd I still haven't stopped listening to yet...haha naaaaaahhhh....because even after the songs end and the bottle is gone (if it ever even gets opened) I'll still be as pathetic as I am right now...or possibly even more....BOO

The Things Men Say...

2009-05-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

Men, at times, can devalue what a woman has to say without even realizing it. Sometimes its like they have this superiority complex built within them and there is NOTHING a woman can say or do to become that person’s equal. I recently heard a phrase from one of my best friends that stated:

“Women were made from a Man’s rib...not from his Head to be Superior, not from his feet to be Walked On, but from his side to be Equal, From under the arm to be protected, and from next to the heart to be Loved.”

This quote touched me being that we as women constantly struggle with a feeling of inferiority. Now I am a Christian and I do believe in the submission of a woman unto her mate, but there is a line that has to be drawn when it comes to submission. God did not intend for women to be inferior to men. We were designed as a “HELP MEET,” which means we HELP a man MEET his needs, as they help us with ours. We are not created to be “put in check.” We are products of our upbringings. We have already been raised so it is not right for a male to try to “raise us” again. Its like we have to be “put in check” in order for them to gain respect. What they do not realize is that without the whole “putting in check” thing, it is in our nature to support men. So YES to you men out there, no matter what, WE SUPPORT YOU. We RESPECT you. You do not have to do or say anything to correct us in order to gain or maintain respect. There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, but when it comes to that, leave your quest for respect and dignity at the door. Don't you DARE think that a woman will respect you more or less if you are "correcting" her. She is not a child. If she is a good woman, she will not have to "be corrected" in order for her to respect you. It will come naturally unto her. But it is imperative that you respect her also. And always remember that Support is not always a feel good thing. Sometimes us supporting a man means disagreeing with what he has to say at times. And many of the time, they do not see it as such. They are rigid to women in a sense that it is very hard for men to take criticism. To them, we are just “running off at the mouth.” I am tired of the generalizations they make of us as women, as if we are all the same: contentious, emotional, and inferior. If men are so free to criticize us and our actions, and so quick to give us advice, whether welcomed or unwelcomed, they should freely be able to take the same criticisms without jumping on us as if we are trying to disrespect their character. What makes us so inferior that we have to listen to every single thing wrong with us to fit into their likenesses of how they would like us to act, and yet they turn a deaf ear to some of their flaws we may point out? I am realizing that a man’s ego is one of the biggest parts of him...which may be even bigger than his love for a woman. This is something I do not understand, and something that I do not feel is neither right, nor justifiable.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Mother’s day was a real interesting one for me today. Me and my best friend had a heated argument the night before so the morning after didn’t start out so well. Now as far as the argument is concerned, lets just say that when you are best friends with a person of the opposte sex, opinions about masculinity/manhood and femininity/womanhood may clash at times. But on to the main subject of this blog, which is mother’s day. I am writing this to wish all mothers in my family, and in the world a Happy Mother’s Day. It has almost been a year since the passing of my grandma and because of this, I could see how hard it was for my mom and Aunt today to spend Mother’s day without her. She was a beautiful woman on the outside, as well as the inside. She was the backbone of our family. And then again, I have yet to meet a person who's grandmother has not been the backbone of their family. I honestly cannot see how we made it this far without her.

Judging by the look on my mom and aunt’s faces today, I could see that a mother is precious. A mother (whether biological, adoptive, or by other means) is the closest person you have to God while on this earth. I am realizing every day that you only get one mother on this earth. ONE. That’s it. And when that one is gone, all you are left with is an ocean full of memories that you could only savor and wish you could go back into that “way back when.” The day she died plays over and over in my head. I remember sitting at work and my mom calling me telling me that her heart had stopped. It was around 2:00 PM and I was sitting at my desk with my head down due to boredom of sitting there all day with virtually nothing to do. She decided to leave work early and come and pick me up. When they came, I noticed my Aunt Cynthia in the car with her and she was crying. I did not see my mom cry though. She has never been much of a crier, even in tragic incidents. We get home, and my cousin Chris is there. We all sit in the living room and wait. There was nothing else we could do. We all knew what was going to happen. It was inevitable. My grandmother was going to die. We received what we thought was the dreaded call, a few minutes after we got home. My aunt picked up the phone and a few minutes later, she was in tears and handed the phone to my mom. I was assuming she was dead by then. She wasn't, although she was pretty much a vegetable on life support. I had dreamed this day would come a few months earlier. It scared the living daylights out of me when I woke up that night after the dream. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I decided to take a break from my family and me and my sister went to the store and the bank so I could withdraw money. I knew that we would be taking a trip to New York no matter what. By the time we got home, there was extra family in our yard, ALL crying. My mother never cries. But when I saw my mother crying, I knew what had happened.

I really miss my grandma. And these ocean full of memories I have with her, I would give my left and right ovary to go back and visit. I have my mom left and I am thankful for that. I will cherish these moments. Life is too short. Happy mother’s day Grandma. We miss you.

An Affair To Remember

Hatred

2009-05-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have always wondered what the root of hatred is and where it came from. There are some things that happen in this world that seems just plain unbelievable to me. Here is an article I stumbled upon courtesy of msnbc.com:

Boy, 7, dies in apparent trespass shooting

Texas authorities say victims were off-roading when they were fired upon

HOUSTON - A 7-year-old boy who was allegedly shot in the head by a couple who thought he and three other people were trespassing on their property died Saturday, authorities said.

Donald Coffey Jr. died Saturday morning at a Houston hospital, less than two days after the boy was struck in the head by shotgun pellets, Sheriff's Cpl. Hugh Bishop said.

Sheila Muhs and her husband, Gayle Muhs, both 45, were charged with second-degree felony counts of aggravated assault in the shootings Thursday. They were being held at Liberty County Jail with bail set at $25,000 each and had not yet retained an attorney, Bishop said.

Bishop said the district attorney could upgrade the charges to murder on Monday, but investigators were "still trying to get the circumstances behind the incident."

The boy, his 5-year-old sister, their father and a family friend were off-roading near a residential area about 40 miles northeast of Houston when they were shot after stopping so the children could go to the bathroom.

Authorities said the couple fired after they mistakenly thought the group was trespassing on their property.

Bishop said the area includes a dirt road, trees and overgrown brush and that it wasn't uncommon for people to go off-roading there. The Houston Chronicle reported that a sign in front of the suspects' home reads: "Trespassers will be shot. Survivers will be reshot!! Smile I will."

Liberty County Chief Deputy Ken DeFoor said Sheila Muhs fired a 12-gauge shotgun once, then handed it to her husband, who also fired once.

DeFoor said Sheila Muhs then called 911 and told the dispatcher: "They're out here tearing up the levee, so I shot them."

DeFoor said the levee belonged to the subdivision and was not private property.

Bishop said there was no indication the unarmed victims did anything threatening toward the Muhs.

Donald Coffey Sr. suffered a pellet wound in his right shoulder and his daughter, Destiny, suffered a wound to the elbow. The family friend, 30-year-old Patrick Cammack, was in serious condition Saturday with a head wound, Memorial Hermann-Texas Medical Center spokeswoman Alex Rodriguez said.

Now I find this article to be so hard to believe. I am not all against gun-owning because there is a time and place for everything. Protection against violators is a right that shouldn't be taken away. But what if those so-called "violators" were not violators at all? Key words: they THOUGHT the couple was trespassing, but there was no proof that the Muh's lives were in danger. And when the so called "violators" were children??? I feel this is so wrong. When I read articles on murders I tend to skim over, but for some reason, this article struck me in an odd way. A life is lost, due to nothing but pure hatred. There is nothing that can justify the actions of this couple. Not even the fact that they were mistaken. Having a suspicion gives noone the right to bring violence into a scene unless it is absolutely necessary.

My heart goes out to the Coffey family and they will be in my thoughts and prayers. NOONE should have to go though that amount of hatred. And for having to take a pee.

Hello People

2009-03-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am just another young black woman entering adulthood trying to find my place in the world. This blog is about nothing in particular, just lessons I am learning on God, life, Love, and kinky hair. Feel free to browse around and any helpful advice is needed and appreciated. The purpose for my title is being that I ask God everyday for a Rhema word that will help guide me and give me strength and wisdom. I hope you find my journey enlightening and GOD BLESS!!!